It’s so hard, so hard to tell who’s going to love you the best

April 14, 2010

So I said I’d post some more cherry blossom photos and here they are. I know, I know, after a while they tend to get a little boring no matter how pretty they are. And I can’t really recreate the way it feels when you’re sitting under a canopy of flowers but never mind. Had a  nice hanami (cherry blossom picnic!) on Thursday night, it was really magical when the lights came on as it got dark!

Yeah, cherry blossom season this year made me feel happy and sad too. Happy because, well, the flowers are beautiful you know! Sad because, mm, I guess seeing so many people having happy picnics with family and friends under the trees makes me feel sad that..I’m not more like them or something?! I remember I used to get the same feeling watching people have picnics down by the seafront near my old house (oh wow, I really hope I can say I live by ‘the seafront’ again at some point in the future!). I’d look at them and imagine how happy they were and I’d just feel devastated. I know it’s ridiculous! It’ s not like I’m never happy and who am I to guess how people are feeling?!  Still, the few times I actually had a picnic or outside gathering that seemed to approach that level of happiness I’d spend the half the time thinking something along these lines: “Oh no, oh shit, this is perfect, it can’t last, I’m so happy, I’m too happy, don’t be happy, this will  be over soon, it’ll never be this good ever again shut up shut up” Yup, optimistic me!

So the feeling I’ve been getting this month is similar I guess. I’m sure part of it is that I miss people back home but part of it’s also ’cause I’m such a weird idiot when it comes to friendship. I’m terrified of large groups of people and yet sometimes I go to largish ‘events’ or whatever ’cause I tell myself that it will be fun and I’m just being stupid. It never is though. So on Saturday I went to a cherry blossom picnic with Danny and one of our friends ’cause I wanted to see somewhere new. The blossoms were lovely (of course) but otherwise..as soon as I got there I wanted to leave. You know when you get somewhere and just instantly realise you’re not going to speak to anyone and you don’t want to either? It happens at parties sometimes too  but at least then you can get drunk and go through peoples’ CD/book/magazine collection if you’re really freaking out!

So anyway, instead of running off like I really wanted to (not that I told anyone I wanted to!) we stayed and as soon as I sat down my mind was in SPACE. Left pretty soon and on the way back (I wasn’t alone btw or the next part would probably be even lamer, or not, I’m not sure!!) I walked ahead and started crying. Not a lot, enough so that I could pretend I wasn’t within a minute or so but still…why? I just suddenly felt so, so sad. Partly because I feel like I’m so hopeless at making friends I don’t know how I ever manage to. Partly because I hate myself for listening to people speak for about two seconds and then deciding that I don’t have anything in common with them and that we’ll probably never speak ever again so why should I make any effort and mostly because I wish I was the kind of person who could just..be happier and have nice picnics and meet new people and get on with them in an uncomplicated way. I know that will never ever happen though because my self esteem is like some kind of broken robot that occasionally gets a crazy power surge but otherwise just stumbles along beeping and whirring and bumping into things (and looking really sad obviously!).

Anyway, thinking about all this stuff just made me think about  how great my friends are. Every time I meet someone and speak to them and realise that the horrible block of ICE that I normally find between me and people isn’t there it’s so lovely. It made me want to tell people that they have no idea how happy I am to have met them and how amazing it is that it ever even happened considering what a total idiot I am sometimes and…ah, damn, see, writing this now is making me all teary again! Okokok, wow, and I ended the last blog by saying I wouldn’t overshare again, oops. I’m coming over all livejournal here. So to sum up: Cherry blossoms=strong emotions, I am weird sometimes & I love all my friends, hooray! Next post will be exclusively cute things or funny signs and nothing else!

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